depression is… like losing your personality. and it’s heartbreaking.
it’s cold, and painful. so painful - physically, not just mentally. i get physical pains, when particularly distressed - mainly in my chest.
i lose my ability to laugh, to have a sense of humour. i can’t enjoy things.
and the crying.
i can’t stop myself; which is humiliating. i have been in situations where i’ve had to say ‘please ignore the tears, let’s continue’, because i can’t stop myself. and i try. so hard.
when particularly bad, i sob. wracking sobs. that’s not nice.
and sometimes it’s not like there’s an obvious trigger - quite often, actually. i think it’s cyclical/response to meds - like sometimes some meds stop working, after a few years, and i need new ones.
ok. so. I’ve done a diagram of how it feels - black is mean mood - kind of neutral. green is bipolarity. the red box is your experience on medication: so medication aims to keep you from experiencing the worst highs and lows. you still have highs and lows, but they’re not dangerously extreme. when meds stop working, it’s like you experience those worst symptoms again. also, i suspect, meds can’t stop you experiencing the very worst peaks and troughs.
another ‘fun’ symptom of depression is cognitive problems - so memory and cognitive function suffer.
i feel so stupid.
this is a big problem for me, and everyone! i used to define myself, my identity, by my academic achievement - it was all i was good at. i’m now having to learn new ways to define myself - which is tough.
anyway. i’m pretty depressed at the moment, so i’m probably rambling.