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  • Writer's pictureellen cross

bipolar and me

it sometimes comes as a surprise to people that i have bipolar disorder.

i think people either expect Stephen Fry, or someone dribbling on themselves - i'm down the middle of those two. i try not to let it dominate my life - and i manage that. most of the time...

but. what is bipolar? well -

'bipolar disorder'
noun PSYCHIATRY a mental condition marked by alternating periods of elation and depression.

in my case, and everyone's different - it means deep depressions and periods of hypomania - or, extreme agitation and anxiety.

my condition is extremely well managed by medication - which i will be on for life. i don't let this bother me - it keeps me alive. what does bother me are the obesogenic side effects of some of the medicines. in other words, they make me fat - i don't even mind being fat! i see no negatives to obesity, i give thinness no moral weight, as it were... but i have other conditions, that weight exacerbates. and. dr's are TERRIBLE at managing the health of fat people - because they make EVERYTHING to do with being fat (it's not). i once asked for a second opinion from psychiatry - the psychiatrist weighed me?!?!?!?! but of course.


medication - i take a combination of three medications: an antipsychotic, antidepressant and something for anxiety. most of the time this combo does the job of evening me out - but i still feel the extreme peaks and troughs.

now, is a trough.

i feel abysmal.

i can't see a way to make myself feel better.

i can't make art, don't know what to do with myself. the prospect of work tomorrow is terrifying me - i can't mess up. i'm frightened of people.

frightened of everything.

what do i do?

when i get really bad i 'PRN' - aka take extra medication when necessary - with diazepam. this helps, but i can't do this at work, or when i have to people. effectively, i sedate myself. this is as grim a thing as it sounds - having to do that feels... like giving up.


this has been a bit of a stream of consciousness... that i don't know how to finish -

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